My journey on the Path less traveled. Introverted survivor of childhood abuse using writing to “Bring on the thriving!” A little lopsided sometimes, stubborn, but smart enough to know it’s time to truly heal! 🙏🏻❤️
I’m shocked and amazed over here!!! I honestly am! ? Who knew actually putting all these thoughts into words for the whole world to read would really start to clear out my dusty, fogged up mess of a brain?!!
I’m seeing the cobwebs and spiders actually starting to clear out,…what? I’m remembering more specifics during a typical day.
“So I don’t have early Alzheimer’s?”
#humility #kindness
My body reminds me constantly that I’m in the mid range of life, even though my mind feels like a scared little kid most of the time. Working on it over here,…pulling it back together!
One life lesson I know for sure, I’ve learned it many many times, is……
oh my word, I just lost it!?? 😳 Ok, well, let’s just say the fog is STARTING to clear, present tense. I’ll have to get back to you all on that life lesson that obviously I haven’t really learned yet.
It has really been too long since I’ve written.
#cobwebs #brain fog
I do know that I’ll naturally strive to share humble Honesty, that’s one of my personal writing standards.
If anything, I like to write so much you’ll probably find out way more than you ever wanted to know. I appreciate your love and support more than I can ever put in to words here.
It’s so refreshing to really find out that you’re not the only one who finds solace in the written word.
My people!! 🙋🏼♀️ I finally found yoU! 💜✨
#friendships #caring
Tim McGraw’s song, “Always be Humble and Kind”, is right on the nose! I’m realizing that I had to adopt this demeanor to survive back in the day, but today I’m so thankful to have learned that it truly is the way to be, just with healthy boundaries. ❤️
So whether by nature, nurture, or just plain ol’ stubbornness I’m grateful that I’ve always looked at others through eyes that ”cut them some slack”, or “give them the benefit of the doubt”,….aiming to be Humble and Kind knowing I don’t know their full story, their struggles, or all their truths.
We really never know and honestly need to keep it basic; the basics of love and support for each other.
Why do I feel such a strong urge to start this blog? Why would I even think about going from telling 2 or 3 people in my lifetime about my deepest darkest life moments to telling so many that know me and also lots of complete strangers? 👀 😬 I’m struggling with this one a lot right now. Two years now of long overdue personal counseling, group meetings, purposely reconnecting my true and deep friendships. Things I’ve buried so deep really are starting to come into a whole new light now,…..It really wasn’t my fault! I really don’t have to live ashamed, embarrassed, and “less than” others. God help me find the words here to share but also to show that you have me still here for a reason, and this just might be a big part of it right here,…..This little snipit might help explain why I’m ridiculouly passionate about being kind and loving to everyone, no matter what! No excuses, no execptions. Yes, keep common sense/street smarts active, but remember everyday that we are all children of God. We are all someones son or daughter. We all do have a purpose and a reason for still being here.
I’m naturally hard wired as an introvert, sure I can be high functioning when it’s needed, but in my case it was needed almost regularly for the past 30 years. So about 2 years ago my body decided it was done being pulled ahead by my stubborn mind alone. That nice outing for a really good friend who was moving out of state. Nice restaurant setting, beautiful evening, a formal goodbye,…and what may or not have been a seizure hit me. I fell out of my chair smashing the right side of my head on the concrete patio floor. Ambulance, sirens, lights, confusion, tears of embarrassment all happening at once.
I’d already been trying to ignore and push through the last 20 years of chronic back pain, burning 24/7 pain. Well, my body officially started shutting down. So my counselor has informed me that “the body keeps track” and it won’t keep going if it just can’t. So that happened. I have a handful of people that know me from childhood, know my family, and the dysfunctional preteen events that changed my course forever. If my hope and faith hadn’t already been so strong around age 10-12 I know I would have become a statistic. As it was I had numerous situations that I almost didn’t make it out of alive.
Not to drag on and on,….but to give you a glimpse, only kid here with parents who were first generation college graduates. Unfortunately my dad’s 4 yr degree from a Bible college was found to be unaccredited when he went looking for that teaching job. He was devastated, but that was the 1970s and bible college credentials were a little tricky. He was already a bomb waiting to explode after surviving his own childhood with 7 siblings, and a hardworking, but alcoholic father who beat the boys especially pretty regularly. My dad was the “runt of the litter”, the little guy. He learned early on to hide anywhere he could to avoid getting thrown down the stairs headfirst, or smacked around. Alcohol was definitely no friend of this Irish Catholic family. From the genealogy work I’ve been doing I have a feeling my grandpa was possibly abused from an alcoholic father too. Generational abuse. 😔
No excuses, because I don’t believe it holding on to them, but my dad was a mess. He became addicted to other things that resulted in him having constant temper outbursts, throwing furniture, tipping chairs over, stomping and scaring everyone in site. Mom, my sweet sweet Pilgrim Holiness child of a minister mom. She didn’t know how to deal with him but didn’t believe in divorce, that was against God’s rules no matter what.
Well, I basically looked like a character off the “Little House on the Prairie show”, ☀️🧺🧸 a favorite childhood book series by the way. In our strict religion women could not cut their hair, wore long modest dresses, no tv, no jewelry, barely any association with those outside the church. My mental mix up was getting sent to public school in 2nd grade, huge awakening!!! Holy Moly! I looked like a Mennonite kid trying to fit it in with peers wearing Jordache jeans and really big combs in their back pockets. Not a great experience. But I tried to be as open and friendly as I could,…every kid wants friends and to be accepted.
All good and well until I started dreaming that an angel was coming into my bedroom at night! I was always asleep and all I ever remember seeing was all white, so it had to be an angel, right? Long story short, it definitely wasn’t and when I finally had proof I ran crying to my mom, a couple of years later,…..she didn’t believe me. I was 10, or maybe 12,….this is when my mind started blocking out memories. I’ve lost a lot of them. She picked his side. She didn’t know what else to do. The other adults in our church met but nothing came of it. No intervention, no help. I was devastated and beyond confused.
Lets just say ages 12/13-18 became a blur. There was definitely no parental control over me anymore, but thankfully I was a good kid. I had been raised in the church and had already developed a strong sense of what is right and wrong. I knew about forgiveness, love, grace,….And God had planted a crazy strong sense of survival in me. I knew no matter what, I was going to make it out. I was going to college, I was going to have my own kids someday and break this family curse of abuse. Can’t glorify myself too much here. I went from high honor roll all through school to drinking almost every weekend, age 14 or so. Grades dropped, hung out with people I shouldn’t have, went to the school dance drunk and smashed my head down on the sink which led to crazy bleeding. And then,….suspension, and kicked off my only stress relieving outlet, the drill team. So much more happened then too,…parents ripped me out of my high school in 10th grade, moved me to my grandma’s house over a 1000 miles away. People growing drugs around her house,….craziness! Thankfully, I had enough common sense and made it through it all without doing too much damage.
Mom passed away young with cancer. 😔Thankfully, we had reconnected and had grown back together into a loving relationship. I don’t blame her for anything. She had been a very sheltered Holiness preacher’s daughter who was really in way over her head with my dad and his issues. She always loved me though and I knew that. She apologized on her death bed to me. Oh I can’t even describe our tight hug and tears, and how we just didn’t want to let go of each other. ❤️ She passed away a few days later.
Why am I writing this? Well, I’m learning to really heal, to really forgive (but not forget). And to really be able to move into what my healthy life was supposed to be, I have to get all this junk out. And what better way than to just tell everyone! It’s time. My kids are almost grown and they’ve just now learned about my past. They met my dad for the first time early this year in his assisted living home (he had a major stroke a couple of years ago). To really really break these abusive family chains, all my praying made it clear that the kids didn’t need these specifics until they were older and able to see it from a young adult perspective.
Abuse is no joke, no matter what kind. It put me in so many pit holes, so many near suicidal moments, almost drinking my teenage self to death many times. Thank God for my foundation of faith, and the friends who loved me like family always there protecting and loving me. (you all know who you are).
Love and peace. Life’s too short for any other approach than honestly reaching out and being there for others. You have no idea what someone has been through. Kindness does make all the difference in a life. One of Robin Williams quotes that hit me so hard when I first read it, and will always be one of my very favorite. I know from experience, and believe me, I laugh all the time (not always appropriate but better than what else might come flying out my mouth!) Robin Williams was right on when he pointed out that those who often try to make others happy can be the ones in the most pain.
Thanks for being here with me. I promise I’m not going to dwell on sad stories too much on here. I just wanted to get it out there, and move forward. Our backgrounds really do mold us in ways that can be hard for others to understand. And I know I’m definitely not alone in stories like these. I’m ready to “adult it” over here, spill it out so I can really heal. I’m already seeing God’s getting after me (especially the past few months) about staying so quiet all these years in times when I shouldn’t have. He actually gave me a pretty strong voice, an introverted version,…but it’s definitely there. ✨✅ If I can’t get the verbal words out,…well, at least now I have a place to put them in writing.
Wanting to go light hearted, but also trying to start off on here sharing some of my strongest beliefs. Believe me, it’ll help all my future writing make a lot more sense.
I’ve learned that this can be the hardest part of our life journey if there’s a family cycle that can’t go on (abuse of all kinds: sexual/physical/verbal/emotion, addiction, anger, bitterness).
#GenerationalAbuse #BreakTheCycle
Honestly I think the mental health problems in families can be the hardest to break. 😞 Some are so deep and uncontrollable, but coming from a family with all these issues I’m willing to put it out there that it’s going to take a long time, but it’s going to be worth it.
With help I’m finding out that “help” is exactly what is going to make it all possible. All of these cycles that need broken are too much to handle alone.
Today I’m thankful for the family that really knows and loves me for who I am, a few very close friends (my chosen family), and health professionals that honestly care. ❤️ 🙏🏻
Ok, let’s do this! I’ve given you my biggest skeletons in the closet, so with nothing to hide now, I’m feeling ready and excited to really begin this journey! 💜✨ Thanks for tuning in.
It’s these mornings when you know you didn’t get enough sleep, but you have a full day of work ahead of you. Ok, so there’s a choice, pull yourself up, do what you need to, or stay in bed.
I know myself well enough to know that I have to get up! All or nothing, can’t just stay in bed. Of course, I’m pretty tired while I’m writing this, but my learned childhood survival mentality says “all systems go!”
Not to dwell, but to heal, I’ll try to explain my life puzzle so far in a few words. It took 2 years of weekly therapy, going to meetings, yoga, texts to aunts and close friends, and really slowing down before these words even came to me:
I’m not writing this to pull any sympathy. I’m writing this because I’m just now seeing that my structural foundation, my childhood rock of stability, was smashed and I switched gears to survive.
30 years of fast mode, one foot in front of the other, never looking back,….achieve, achieve, achieve!
My puzzle is starting to finally fill in, the foundational part, the edges that hold it all together. We don’t get to choose most of our childhood path but as healthy adults we do. I’ve never seen myself as healthy. Thankfully the optional path is showing up.
It’s amazing that friends, and even family (because most of my family is pretty distant), would be surprised to hear this. I look healthy, can even sound healthy, as long as I don’t say too much, but that’s coming to an end now.
As long as I can actually get a good nights sleep, get out and physically move once in a while, spend time in devotions, and stay in verbal contact with friends and family,…as long as I make sure to do these things, my mind and body do want to heal.
The missing pieces might never be found, and I’ll need to be ok with that. I can be resourceful, aim to thrive instead of just surviving. There’s definitely no going back for a re-do.
God has always had his hand on me, I just forgot to look up and see it. I’m starting to look again, and it’s amazing what’s there,….what you don’t see if you don’t look. ❤️
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Live, Laugh, Love with everything you have, while you still can! Thanks so much for stopping by! I appreciate and value you all so much. 💜✨
