My journey on the Path less traveled. Introverted survivor of childhood abuse using writing to “Bring on the thriving!” A little lopsided sometimes, stubborn, but smart enough to know it’s time to truly heal! 🙏🏻❤️
There are so many amazing things going on in the world right now, but for today I’m going to pick the one that gave me the goosebumps,…the good kind! Watching Ms. Kathleen Bertrand sing, “If I can help Somebody” at John Lewis’s Remembrance.
Today I’m choosing to educate myself more about Reverend C.T. Vivian and John Lewis’s lives, their journey, their true story as they lived it. I know I’m walking along with a lot of my friends and family making sure we know, we acknowledge, and we prove that they both did make a difference; and that both of their legacy goals of peace and equality through love and education will happen in our lifetime!
“Never, ever be afraid to make some noise and get in good trouble, necessary trouble.” #goodtrouble
Words of John Lewis, as reported on 11alive, author, Talia Chiariello.
It was 1970 something and the Pennsylvania summers were awesome! No air conditioner needed. I’m not sure if my younger self just had a better heat tolerance, or if it’s true what the older generation always said about our summers being more tolerable years back?
Ok, setting is a Pilgrim Holiness Church Revival! If you’ve never been, well then, wow! I’ll do the best I can to create a glimpse into this “step back in time” feeling, best described as close to early 1900s feeling as we can get currently.
I’m no church denomination expert, and will never claim to be. This is just from my childhood memories, how I felt and saw it.
Mid Summer, July something,…..women of all ages in long modest dresses covering their knees and almost to their ankles. Men in button up dress shirts, typically rolled up to their elbows because of the heat. Every woman over age 20 something has her hair wrapped up in a bun, sometimes a long braided bun. Hair pins everywhere to hold these massive hair buns in place. No woman is allowed to cut her hair, so long hair everywhere.
It’s an old, 1800s something white painted wood church with so much history in it I don’t even know where to begin. As a kid, my favorite part is playing with the old rusty water pump out front. During a break from this 3+ hour revival I get to run outside and play, as long as there are any other kids there. Typically we’re small in number.
Nothing, absolutely nothing tops my memory of those nighttime breaks, running full speed out to the woods chasing the fireflies, laughing, adding in a little game of tag while chasing them! It was as pure and innocent as it sounds.
The crowd is mostly pretty serious old hymn singing middle agers and up. Almost 80% of the night is family style singing; now I really loved this part! It’s not just one person up front, it’s usually a family singing together, or a husband and wife team. It’s loud, acoustic, and full of passion.
Old paper fans on a flat stick are waving everywhere to help cool down. Ladies with sweat beading down the sides of their faces, fans a wavin’.
The Preacher is the only man still in his full suit coat. He’s up there sweating away; Fire and brimstone style preachin’ about the world we live in, how we’re to be disciples to everyone, how we’re to keep living our modest, God fearing way without giving in to the temptations of the worldly ways!
And then the singing starts up again! Oh, that was the best part. My dad has such a good strong tenor voice. Mom’s is a quieter soprano but her harmonies sound really good with him. Dad’s the song leader at our church and they are both typically one of the featured singing groups at these revivals.
As a 6-7 year old, pretty quiet only kid, I’m pretty pumped at these camps. It’s what I know. What a world! Mom’s best friends were typically Mennonites, and we know quite a few Amish families too.
Oh, I could go on and on about the homemade pies sitting on the window ledges, the feeling of running barefoot everywhere, as long as it wasn’t winter, the smell of the gardens (because everyone had one). Gardens bursting at the seams with tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, 🍅🥒 and those horrible radishes, that was about the only thing I really didn’t like.
At the time, I had no clue I was living like an early 1900s, “Little House on the Prairie” community. I knew I didn’t look like anyone else at my public school,….and went through years of questions,...”why do you look like that, why don’t you cut your hair, why are you always in dresses?” 🤦♀️
It’s all good. My parents left the Holiness church when I was about 10. First pair of pants and first haircut ever! I wouldn’t change any of it for anything. What a cool foundation it gave me! My perspective now has so many non typical dimensions to it.
Middle of the road Methodist now, and will always absolutely cherish my childhood Holiness church revival memories! Big families, Old Hymns, Fans with Jesus pictures on them, and Fireflies,……so many fireflies those nights. Life before any abuse is always so much brighter. ✨✨
Why do I feel such a strong urge to start this blog? Why would I even think about going from telling 2 or 3 people in my lifetime about my deepest darkest life moments to telling so many that know me and also lots of complete strangers? 👀 😬 I’m struggling with this one a lot right now. Two years now of long overdue personal counseling, group meetings, purposely reconnecting my true and deep friendships. Things I’ve buried so deep really are starting to come into a whole new light now,…..It really wasn’t my fault! I really don’t have to live ashamed, embarrassed, and “less than” others. God help me find the words here to share but also to show that you have me still here for a reason, and this just might be a big part of it right here,…..This little snipit might help explain why I’m ridiculouly passionate about being kind and loving to everyone, no matter what! No excuses, no execptions. Yes, keep common sense/street smarts active, but remember everyday that we are all children of God. We are all someones son or daughter. We all do have a purpose and a reason for still being here.
I’m naturally hard wired as an introvert, sure I can be high functioning when it’s needed, but in my case it was needed almost regularly for the past 30 years. So about 2 years ago my body decided it was done being pulled ahead by my stubborn mind alone. That nice outing for a really good friend who was moving out of state. Nice restaurant setting, beautiful evening, a formal goodbye,…and what may or not have been a seizure hit me. I fell out of my chair smashing the right side of my head on the concrete patio floor. Ambulance, sirens, lights, confusion, tears of embarrassment all happening at once.
I’d already been trying to ignore and push through the last 20 years of chronic back pain, burning 24/7 pain. Well, my body officially started shutting down. So my counselor has informed me that “the body keeps track” and it won’t keep going if it just can’t. So that happened. I have a handful of people that know me from childhood, know my family, and the dysfunctional preteen events that changed my course forever. If my hope and faith hadn’t already been so strong around age 10-12 I know I would have become a statistic. As it was I had numerous situations that I almost didn’t make it out of alive.
Not to drag on and on,….but to give you a glimpse, only kid here with parents who were first generation college graduates. Unfortunately my dad’s 4 yr degree from a Bible college was found to be unaccredited when he went looking for that teaching job. He was devastated, but that was the 1970s and bible college credentials were a little tricky. He was already a bomb waiting to explode after surviving his own childhood with 7 siblings, and a hardworking, but alcoholic father who beat the boys especially pretty regularly. My dad was the “runt of the litter”, the little guy. He learned early on to hide anywhere he could to avoid getting thrown down the stairs headfirst, or smacked around. Alcohol was definitely no friend of this Irish Catholic family. From the genealogy work I’ve been doing I have a feeling my grandpa was possibly abused from an alcoholic father too. Generational abuse. 😔
No excuses, because I don’t believe it holding on to them, but my dad was a mess. He became addicted to other things that resulted in him having constant temper outbursts, throwing furniture, tipping chairs over, stomping and scaring everyone in site. Mom, my sweet sweet Pilgrim Holiness child of a minister mom. She didn’t know how to deal with him but didn’t believe in divorce, that was against God’s rules no matter what.
Well, I basically looked like a character off the “Little House on the Prairie show”, ☀️🧺🧸 a favorite childhood book series by the way. In our strict religion women could not cut their hair, wore long modest dresses, no tv, no jewelry, barely any association with those outside the church. My mental mix up was getting sent to public school in 2nd grade, huge awakening!!! Holy Moly! I looked like a Mennonite kid trying to fit it in with peers wearing Jordache jeans and really big combs in their back pockets. Not a great experience. But I tried to be as open and friendly as I could,…every kid wants friends and to be accepted.
All good and well until I started dreaming that an angel was coming into my bedroom at night! I was always asleep and all I ever remember seeing was all white, so it had to be an angel, right? Long story short, it definitely wasn’t and when I finally had proof I ran crying to my mom, a couple of years later,…..she didn’t believe me. I was 10, or maybe 12,….this is when my mind started blocking out memories. I’ve lost a lot of them. She picked his side. She didn’t know what else to do. The other adults in our church met but nothing came of it. No intervention, no help. I was devastated and beyond confused.
Lets just say ages 12/13-18 became a blur. There was definitely no parental control over me anymore, but thankfully I was a good kid. I had been raised in the church and had already developed a strong sense of what is right and wrong. I knew about forgiveness, love, grace,….And God had planted a crazy strong sense of survival in me. I knew no matter what, I was going to make it out. I was going to college, I was going to have my own kids someday and break this family curse of abuse. Can’t glorify myself too much here. I went from high honor roll all through school to drinking almost every weekend, age 14 or so. Grades dropped, hung out with people I shouldn’t have, went to the school dance drunk and smashed my head down on the sink which led to crazy bleeding. And then,….suspension, and kicked off my only stress relieving outlet, the drill team. So much more happened then too,…parents ripped me out of my high school in 10th grade, moved me to my grandma’s house over a 1000 miles away. People growing drugs around her house,….craziness! Thankfully, I had enough common sense and made it through it all without doing too much damage.
Mom passed away young with cancer. 😔Thankfully, we had reconnected and had grown back together into a loving relationship. I don’t blame her for anything. She had been a very sheltered Holiness preacher’s daughter who was really in way over her head with my dad and his issues. She always loved me though and I knew that. She apologized on her death bed to me. Oh I can’t even describe our tight hug and tears, and how we just didn’t want to let go of each other. ❤️ She passed away a few days later.
Why am I writing this? Well, I’m learning to really heal, to really forgive (but not forget). And to really be able to move into what my healthy life was supposed to be, I have to get all this junk out. And what better way than to just tell everyone! It’s time. My kids are almost grown and they’ve just now learned about my past. They met my dad for the first time early this year in his assisted living home (he had a major stroke a couple of years ago). To really really break these abusive family chains, all my praying made it clear that the kids didn’t need these specifics until they were older and able to see it from a young adult perspective.
Abuse is no joke, no matter what kind. It put me in so many pit holes, so many near suicidal moments, almost drinking my teenage self to death many times. Thank God for my foundation of faith, and the friends who loved me like family always there protecting and loving me. (you all know who you are).
Love and peace. Life’s too short for any other approach than honestly reaching out and being there for others. You have no idea what someone has been through. Kindness does make all the difference in a life. One of Robin Williams quotes that hit me so hard when I first read it, and will always be one of my very favorite. I know from experience, and believe me, I laugh all the time (not always appropriate but better than what else might come flying out my mouth!) Robin Williams was right on when he pointed out that those who often try to make others happy can be the ones in the most pain.
Thanks for being here with me. I promise I’m not going to dwell on sad stories too much on here. I just wanted to get it out there, and move forward. Our backgrounds really do mold us in ways that can be hard for others to understand. And I know I’m definitely not alone in stories like these. I’m ready to “adult it” over here, spill it out so I can really heal. I’m already seeing God’s getting after me (especially the past few months) about staying so quiet all these years in times when I shouldn’t have. He actually gave me a pretty strong voice, an introverted version,…but it’s definitely there. ✨✅ If I can’t get the verbal words out,…well, at least now I have a place to put them in writing.
Funniest thing happened the other day,….when you go for a generic job interview hoping to be in the back of the store filling shopper orders,….and the manager looks you straight in the eyes excitedly saying, “I can see you owning that Customer Service area with your energy!”
What??? 😳
Here’s the punch line to that joke,…Interviews, I can do them with all kinds of friendly and professional energy, bring it on! But I’ve learned that the howevers/whatever’s/and whyevers of this true personality here is that energy it took to “knock out” that interview has now drained me for about 2-3 days!
Great that a manager sees what she sees!!! but yay me, I’m finally realizing what she’s seeing in this 30 minute window isn’t a 40 hour, Monday-Friday ability for me.
Being a hard core Introvert is ok,…good even; ok, sometimes good, sometimes not so much. I’m seeing that what’s working best is actually embracing my differences. That’s why that this Winnie the Pooh quote nailed my feelings spot on! Doesn’t always have to be complicated or overly thought out for it to make “just about perfect sense!”
Even a typically sunburnt, outdoor loving, “1970 something” kid with a broken arm from falling from the top of a super high rusty swing set could tell you that!!!
Forgetting to watch the daily news has become a blessing, a gift to myself,…a true way to allow myself to keep working towards unlearning the negative, the hate that my culture and history has taught me. My mom, the most peaceful, loving, and genuinely caring person I’ve ever known would approve of this list I’m putting together here. That’s my foundation, and she’s going to be my guide when I’m considering any “favorites” to list here.
https://www.cbsnews.com/sunday-morning/
A big cup of coffee, my favorite chair, and the 9am Sunday Morning show! It’s become a weekly favorite. ❤️ All of the individual stories aim for truth and platforms based on Love and Education. Every time I watch it I feel like I need to pass specific stories on to everyone I can. It’s the only weekly show that has this positive feeling effect on me right now. Definitely an easy 1st all time favorite for me to list.
Self proclaimed Book loving Nerd! ? Not much time reading the past 20 years related to kids, but trying to make up for it now. We didn’t have a tv until I was about 12,..long story, strict religion,….more on that another time. Top life changing #books I’ve read and can’t say enough amazing things about them: #goodreads
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/8664353
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/13059271
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/546018
https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/408615
More to come,….
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Live, Laugh, Love with everything you have, while you still can! Thanks so much for stopping by! I appreciate and value you all so much. 💜✨