It’s these mornings when you know you didn’t get enough sleep, but you have a full day of work ahead of you. Ok, so there’s a choice, pull yourself up, do what you need to, or stay in bed.

I know myself well enough to know that I have to get up! All or nothing, can’t just stay in bed. Of course, I’m pretty tired while I’m writing this, but my learned childhood survival mentality says “all systems go!”

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Not to dwell, but to heal, I’ll try to explain my life puzzle so far in a few words. It took 2 years of weekly therapy, going to meetings, yoga, texts to aunts and close friends, and really slowing down before these words even came to me:

childhood abuse, fear, sadness, fear, abandonment, fear, loneliness, desperation, fear, anger, abuse, fear.

I’m not writing this to pull any sympathy. I’m writing this because I’m just now seeing that my structural foundation, my childhood rock of stability, was smashed and I switched gears to survive.

30 years of fast mode, one foot in front of the other, never looking back,….achieve, achieve, achieve!

My puzzle is starting to finally fill in, the foundational part, the edges that hold it all together. We don’t get to choose most of our childhood path but as healthy adults we do. I’ve never seen myself as healthy. Thankfully the optional path is showing up.

It’s amazing that friends, and even family (because most of my family is pretty distant), would be surprised to hear this. I look healthy, can even sound healthy, as long as I don’t say too much, but that’s coming to an end now.

As long as I can actually get a good nights sleep, get out and physically move once in a while, spend time in devotions, and stay in verbal contact with friends and family,…as long as I make sure to do these things, my mind and body do want to heal.

The missing pieces might never be found, and I’ll need to be ok with that. I can be resourceful, aim to thrive instead of just surviving. There’s definitely no going back for a re-do.

God has always had his hand on me, I just forgot to look up and see it. I’m starting to look again, and it’s amazing what’s there,….what you don’t see if you don’t look. ❤️